Some Things Don't Need To Be Modernized

Sunday sucked. All sorts of electrical things that could go wrong, did. But, the worst thing that happened that day was a man-made error. Really a Christina-made error. I lost my flipper, which is like a retainer, in that, it goes in my mouth and it costs a whole lot to replace.

My mother-in-law offered to take Andy and the boys to see "Monsters vs. Aliens 3D", but Andy couldn't go be cause he needed to stay home and mulch. I realized later that he really wanted to go to Justin's man party. I realize now that he is going to read this and take acception, but one only needs to drive by and see my mulch-less beds to see that I am right. So I went to the movies with Louisa and the boys, since "Monsters vs. Aliens" is one of the few children's movies I have ever had the desire to see while it was playing in theatres.

Because we are living in a trying economy and because I am cheap in general, we all stuffed ample amounts of snacks into our pockets to avoid those high snack bar fees. Luckily we had a well filled pinata at Jakey's birthday party the day before, so cheap sugary treats were in great supply. The boys had the candy bags, Granny had the Pirates Booty and I had the water, we were set. When we got there, my mother-in-law was very anxious to get a good seat so she ran in with the boys while I secured our 3D glasses. After walking back and forth between "Monsters vs. Aliens 3D" and "Monsters vs. Aliens" not 3D, several times, I finally located my family in the very back row of the theatre. Out came the snacks and on went the glasses. About halfway thru the movie I decided that I wanted a piece of gum and lucky for me Jake's candy bag contained some. So I took out my dental appliance, placed it in my lap and promptly forgot about it.

The whole way home I had the feeling that something was missing, but I just couldn't put my finger on it until I walked into the kitchen to get a piece of gum, then it dawned on me. I took off like a flash, weaving in and out of cars, all the while trying to call the movie theatre on my cell phone. I am not afraid to admit that I was a traffic menace that afternoon. I screeched up to the front of the building, dashed inside and breathlessly asked the "movie consierge" if anyone had turned in a retainer (I didn't feel like explaining what a flipper is). He said "no", so I made a b-line straight for the theatre which was now very very dark, since the next group of movie goer's were nestled in and watching previews. I raced up to our seats with iPhone flashlight in hand and began crawling on my hands and knees over the super sticky movie theatre floor. It was gross, but the thought of laying out another $400 to my dentist was even more distasteful to me than hearing my jeans pealing off the floor with my every move. I excused and pardoned me all the way down the line finding nothing but the half empty bag of jelly beans we'd left. Very disappointing. My next stop was the trashcan I deposited our remainders in as we left. I sifted through popcorn and candy wrappers and blue slushie cups all the way up to my elbows and still no luck. I even asked the slack-jawed "usher" where they would dump the stuff they swept up. "Uhh, it was crazy in there, cuz people were already sittin' when we went to clean up, so we didn't get much cleaned up," my heart leapt with excitement, "but what we did get would be in the compactor by now." Upon hearing "compactor" my heart sunk back to its original spot. This happened the last time I lost my flipper, when I threw it away after eating at McDonald's on New Year's Eve day. You see, dumpsters have gone high-tech. They have incorporated compacting technology originated in suburban kitchens throughout the seventies. Unlike the trash compactors of yore however, the liability from someone being wholely crushed is great, so once something goes in, no one is getting it out, no one. I knew I was done for. I returned again to make another search after the show was over, but I knew it was futile. The only thing my second search did for me was piss me off more. In the light, I could see tons of cups and popcorn and wrappers and nacho trays and straws and lots of other flotsam and jetsom left behind, so someone please tell me how it is that those pimply faced, half-stoned teenagers were so efficient about sweeping up my flipper and getting into the dumpster of no return?